Astronomy Village

Welcome to our first weekly addition of your horoscopes. Firstly I would like to pose the rhetorical question (I know it has an answer but I dont care), where the hell does the word horoscope come form and what does it mean. Personally I think it means Horrible because that is what the published versions are, horrible vague nothingness (is that a word?). Anyway if you really want to know what the upcoming week has in store for you, you best read on.

Aries

You better have car insurance because I can see an old lady tapping an accelerator instead of the brake at a set of traffic lights. If you dont have a car, well maybe you should read less pointless blogs and do some extra hours.

Taurus

That certain someone in your life will do a certain something. You should know what that means.

Gemini

Money, Money, Money. That is the last time you will see money this week. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Cancer

Cancer, the unlucky starsign (just look at your name). Fortunately this week luck is in your stars.

Leo

Take comfort in the knowledge of your horoscope this week.

Virgo

Your stars are very clear this week. At 8:15pm on thursday look outside your residence and all will be revealed.

Libra

The truth will set you free. Tell the absolute truth this week no matter what the consequences and feel free to let me know how that turns out in the comments below.

Scorpio

Give money to a random stranger. Add your email in the comments and I can send you my paypal address if it helps.

Sagittarius

Conflict time. Dont let yourself lose this current battle. Carry a weapon with you to ensure your victory. (Disclaimer: To the 1000 people i am fighting with this does not apply to you even if you are a Sagittarius)

Capricorn

Its not in your stars but go somewhere nice this week. Restaurant, park, beach wherever. You onlive once.

Aquarius

The final starsign. Be strong. Be very Strong.

Pisces

Are you serious, another starsign? Who the hell cares I have just written 11 fortunes. Like every other astrologer I am not going to give the same level of effort as I do for Aries.